I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
