just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
In America we eat man semen.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
