we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
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I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
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Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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