Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
