alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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