the condom got lost in my hair
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
