Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
