First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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