just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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