i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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