Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
