yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
