it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
