I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
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HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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