I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
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Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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