I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
