I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
