Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
