I don't think brook has ever known best
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
