Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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