I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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