all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
