You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
