Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
