Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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