I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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