2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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