Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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