There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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