Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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