ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
