I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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