last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
