And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
