I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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