If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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