I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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