You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
