The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm gonna fight the coyote
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
