Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
