I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The adults are the big ones right?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
