I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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