By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Everclear isn't food dammit
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
