They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
