so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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