just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
