I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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