How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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