Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
