you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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