I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
