Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
