So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
