i was born a porn star she said
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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