She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
