Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
