He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
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I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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