I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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