he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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